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Names Not To Name Your Kids

It is amazing how often such a simple matter as naming ones offspring can be screwed up. Some people are just morons. Once again, the lack of common sense leaves only me to shoulder the task of having to educate you in this matter.

Here in this file I present a list of names that you should not name your kids. A dorky name will make growing up (especially going to school) hell for your kids. Kids are mean and will seize upon a dorky name as a way of torturing your kid, mentally scarring him for life. Giving your offspring a dorky name and sending them off to kindergarten is like attaching chum to your child and throwing him into shark infested waters. If you follow my advice, your kids will thank you after they grow up, trust me on this.

Womens Names Not To Use

• Amber
• Asia - so is her named sister Europe?
• Ashlee - My parents didn't know how to spell "Ashley"
• Bernice
• Britany, Briteny, Britney, Britny, Britt, Brit
• Barry, Barrie
• Billie, Billy, Bill - misspelled, mans name, mans name
• Brandy - and her sisters Whisky, Rum and Scotch?
• Busy - and her sisters Rushed, Industrious and Inahurry?
• Cate - My parents couldn't spell "Kate". So is that pronounced "Sate" or "Kate"?
• Charity
• Christian
• Crystal
• Dolly
• Eddie - mans name
• Edie
• Eunice
• Faith
• Gisella
• Glen (or Glenn) - This is a mans name. Remember Glen Campbell, the County & Western singer from the 1970s?
• Hope
• James - This is a mans name
• Jules - This is a mans name. Try Juliet instead.
• Kirsten (or kirsty) - My parents didn't know how to spell "Kristen"
• Krystin - My parents didn't know how to spell either.
• Kyle - This is a last name, not a first name.
• Lake - and her sisters Stream, Ocean and Estuary?
• Loardes - so I spelled it wrong. madonna sucks.
• Madison - This is a street. Not a person.
• Moon Unit
• Nathalie - someone forgot how to spell "Natalie"
• Nellee, Nellie, Nelly. Nell
• Page, Paige - avoid names that sound like common nouns. Turn the page.
• Paris - this is a city. What's next; name your kid "New York"?
• Porscha - they're going to think you named her after the car
• Robyn - my parents didn't know how to spell "Robin". Also, wasn't the Robin Hood character a guy?
• Sky - and her sister Ground?
• Stormee, Stormy
• Sidney, Sydney, Sydny, Sid Nee
• Tatum - Sounds like a low-budget potato chip, or a shoe polish
• Taylor
• Tea - what's next? Coffee, Water, Rootbeer?
• Tiffany - This is not a person. This is a lamp.
• Whoopie
• Winter - I kid you not. I overheard an obviously brain-dead set of new parents bragging about their new little baby ... named Winter. People: we stopped taking those sort of drugs when the 1960s ended, get with the program!
• Woopie

Mens Names Not To Use

• Adrian, Adrienne - This is a womans name. There was a boy in school whose foolish parents had given him this name. His nickname in school was AIDs. More on nicknames later.
• Alexis - This is a womans name.
• Ashley - This is a womans name.
• Barry, Barrie
• Barthollemule - yes I know I spelled it wrong. Since you are not going to name your son this, you do not need to know the correct spelling.
• Bernice - Firstly, this is a womans name. Secondly, for a woman it is a dorky name. Neither man nor woman should be named This!
• Christian
• Delany - This is a last name, not a first name.
• Dweezal
• Eugene
• Gail (or gayle or gale) - This is a womans name.
• Gaylord
• Gnarles - Someone had wanted a boy named "Charles" but their hands shook too much when filling out the birth certificate
• Gray (or Grey)
• Harvey (or Harvy)
• Jamie - This is a womans name.
• Kelly - This is a last name, not a first name.
• Kim - This is a womans name.
• Kyle - This is a last name, not a first name.
• Lawrence (or Laurence) - you might as well put a sign that says "beat me" on your kid. Use the name Larry instead. Actually write the first name as "Larry" on the birth certificate so some stuck-up teacher won't insist on calling him "Lawwwwrence" anyway.
• Leslie - This is a womans name.
• Maddox
• Mason
• Nellie
• Nelson
• Orson - Mork calling Orson, nanoo nanoo, ar ar
• Orville
• Preston
• Robin - While this is actually a mans name, enough woman are erroneously named this that your boy may have some trouble from the other kids. Try Robert instead.
• Seth
• Sidney, Sydney, Sydny, Sid Nee
• Sky - and his brother Ground?
• Spencer - This is a last name, not a first name. It is maximally dorky when used as a first name.
• Stacey (or Stacy) - This is a womans name.
• Taylor
• Terry (or Terri) - This is a womans name.
• Travis
• Trip - and his brothers Fall and Stumble?
• Tyler
• Vivienne - This is a womans name.
• Wesly, Wesley

Names I'm Not Sure About

• May
• June

Other Things to Avoid

• Intentional "cute" bad spellings of names. Resist the temptation to do something like the use the letter Y instead of the letter I for names. It is not as clever as you think it will be and is dorky. Kim is spelled K-I-M. Dave is spelled D-A-V-E. Fred is spelled F-R-E-D. Mark is spelled M-A-R-K, not M-A-R-C. Marcus is spelled "M-A-R-C-U-S". This especially applies to the addition of "silent" letters to a name (such as the letter h). Do you understand?
• Naming your offspring after a book, movie, vehicle, play, or TV series. Try to remember that the TV series you think is so moving and relevant will not be in five to ten years, or even as little as two weeks.
• Double names. Pick one name, not two or three. No Carol-Sues, or Bobby-Annes, or Billy-Bobs. Pick one First Name, one Middle Name, and one Last Name. The middle name is not to be used that often. A middle name is only used to further distinguish between two people with the same first and last names. The middle name is not part of the first name. The middle name is used about one one-thousandth as much as the first name.
• Hyphens & other punctuation. Use only the letters a-z. You child needs a first name, not a sentance, not a product name, not a product code.

Another thing to factor into the name selection process is the possible nicknames that exist for a given name. Your child will most likely be referred to by nickname instead of their given name. When weighing the suitability of a possible name, consider all of the common nicknames that are derived from that name. Nicknames are beyond your control, but your choice of first name can limit the bad nickname possibilities. The shorter the name, the less chance of other kids using a nickname at all.

This file is incomplete and in-progress. Keep checking every few weeks or so for updates. As I hear (or just remember) any really bad names, I'll add them.