Corresponding Measures for World Peace

In December of 1998, while the U.S. Congress delayed an impeachment vote to accommodate the bombing of Baghdad, Russian legislators seemed to be the only ones publically demonstrating any real understanding of the matter. Rather than addressing officials of the American political parties or the Iraqi government or even the United Nations, nationalist lawmaker Alexander Filatov spoke out to the one person who could truly quell the situation.

"The State Duma appeals to Ms. Lewinsky to undertake corresponding measures to restrain the emotions of Bill Clinton," Filatov said. The other members of the Duma, the lower chamber of Russia's parliament, approved the appeal to the former White House intern and it passed as a resolution. They had considered including it as part of a broader resolution denouncing the attack on Iraq, but instead placed a greater urgency on the Lewinsky resolution and passed it as a separate measure.

The Russians, it seems, have noticed a rather obvious pattern in Bill Clinton's behavior: when he's getting corresponding measures on a regular basis, he drops a hell of a lot less bombs. As soon as the corresponding measures cease -- kaboom, Saddam. It follows that cruise missiles, for Mr. Clinton, are a sublimation of his natural outlet: corresponding measures. Whatever her wifely position might be -- for we all know she and Bill have great sex -- Hillary is apparently not a reliable source of corresponding measures, and an outside source of corresponding measures has become necessary as a means to world peace. Thus, the Russians were absolutely correct to address their anti-war resolution to our nation's most notable source of corresponding measures.

With the recent revelations that some of the Republican supporters of Clinton's impeachment had their own extra-marital affairs, it would seem that corresponding measures may be an unspoken but vital aspect of world politics. With this in mind, we would like to suggest institutionalizing corresponding measures as a Cabinet post, the Secretary of Corresponding Measures, to be appointed by the President. The most obvious candidate for the post would be Ms. Lewinsky herself -- she holds experience in government employ and, while she has a tendency to dribble and ruin clothing, her previous position with Mr. Clinton shows impressive skill. We should appoint her quickly, too, before she finds a position with the Russian Duma.

Further, as the President is not the only one with a post that would benefit from corresponding measures, we suggest that the Secretary for Corresponding Measures be placed in charge of the Department of Corresponding Measures, an office that would operate under the Federal branch of government. Agents of the Department, of both sexes, would be selected for their cleanliness and skills in all aspects of corresponding measures. Confidentiality and discretion would be modeled after existing agencies, including the Secret Service and the NSA. Kneepads would be modeled after the NFL.

Government provision of lawmakers' corresponding measures would ensure the demise of the present-day black market in corresponding measures that has riddled our society with deceit, corruption, venereal disease, and a blocked legislative process. If we can't place a skilled agent on the staff of that blocked process, it will continue to be hard to release the seed of world peace.

Philip H. Farber, January, 1999