Secret Emails Between Sauron
and the Nine
Witch-king & Co.: great opportunity here!
Interrogation of Gollum reveals One Ring is in
Shire (see attached jpg map). Apparently held by
hobbit with last name of Baggins. Hobbits are v.
short and not known to carry weapons. Piece of
orc-cake for you guys. Ride forth; grab the
Baggins AND the Ring. Time to earn your keep.
End-of-year bonus could be big!
Oh Dark Lord, the magnificent. Can't find the
Shire, so went to Saruman for directions. He
said your map was not to scale. Shire turns out
to be a *very* long way away. How come we're
just learning this now? Expect delay in OneRing
project. Respectfully, the Nine.
Tell me you didn't mention the Ring to Saruman!
RE expected delay in project: I don't think so.
Great Master of Darkness, we did NOT tell
Saruman about the Ring. Made up story about
losing one of the nine rings while on vacation
in those parts. Quite sure he bought it. Will do
best to ride faster. Saruman great in Isengard
chatroom, you should check it out.
Have hacked site of Isengard chatroom. Feel
pleased. Let me know when you reach Shire.
Oh great Flaming Eye, stopped off at Bree for
well deserved brewskies. Met kewl guy, Bill
Ferny, who says Shire not far off. Also says
Shire has 'killer weed,' so maybe hobbits will
all be dead when we arrive ;-). Hope weed
doesn't try to kill us. Looking forward to big
Get to the Shire, NOW! See attached artist's
impression of Baggins.
Finally reached Shire. Hobbits still alive. No
sign of lethal weed. One hobbit said Baggins and
pals moved to suburb called Buckleberry, so we
headed that way. Could have sworn we saw some
hobbits matching description, but were scared
off by elves. Could have sworn I felt power of
the Ring. Wraith No.5 thinks he lost his ring in
Bree. Do you have another one?
No I don't have another one. Nine freaking rings
for men, not ten! Tell No.5 to go back and find
it. Better take three of you with him so he
doesn't get lost himself! Sheesh.
Hobbits escaped us by going cross-country. Hope
rest of the Nine don't take too long looking for
No.5's ring in Bree. Thought we would outsmart
hobbits and cut them off. Thwarted by mushroom
farmer because he had very mean dogs NOT ON
LEASHES. Maybe dogs will eat hobbits and we'll
just wait to dig through their poop for One
Ring. We'll wash it good, so don't worry.
Witch-king & Co.: Your mid-year reviews are
coming up and I can tell you that it's not
looking good. Inability (or unwillingness) to
throw down with farmer's dogs not impressive.
Please show more initiative. Forget about
dog-poop idea. Proceed to Buckleberry.
Almost got 'em, Boss, but they took the ferry
and wouldn't send the boat back. Have to go long
way around. BTW, Buckleberry and Brandywine
River not on your map, so have to ask for
directions a lot. Probably an oversight on your
part. Detachment to Bree still hasn't returned.
Think that WE should get good reviews and
Ringwraiths in Bree should be punished, because
I'll bet you they are drinking lots of brewskies
while we do all the hard work. Hugs.
(Sigh). I've freed Gollum in the unlikely, but
not impossible, case that you cannot fulfill
your mission. He seems very dedicated to finding
the Ring. Consider this as competition for the
Found 'em, Boss. Or at least we thought we found
them. Busted up their hiding place real good,
but they escaped into Old Forest, which is very
scary. We would have gone in after them, but
locals sounded incredible fire alarm. Took a
vote and decided to head to Bree, wait for
You took a vote?! (Sigh). Fine, whatever.
Now in Bree, but rest of Black Riders not here.
Barkeep wants us to pay their tab. Pal Bill
Ferny said homeys are retracing their steps to
see if No.5's ring fell off on way from Isengard.
Rented great room with view. Expense request
2,000 farthings for 'Dwarf massage'?
Hobbits in the building! One Ring confirmed, as
hobbit called Underhill disappeared in bar.
Guess you were wrong about the name Baggins.
Attack on their room planned for midnight! Wish
Good going, team. FYI: 'Underhill' probably an
Got 'em, Boss. Or, well, we thought we did.
Entered room where they were staying and saw
four beds with what seemed like hobbits
sleeping. You should have seen us tear into
them! For 30 minutes of what can only be
described as a very impressive Ringwraith melee,
we slashed and hacked and completely trashed the
hobbits' room. But we were tricked, because the
figures were only wooden bolsters underneath the
covers. So me and the boys went to the rest of
the hobbit suites and, let me tell you, ain't no
hobbits going to lodging at the inn for quite a
RE: Attempt to kill hobbits at Bree.
I understand your explanation that hobbits were
not in room they rented. Am not mollified by
your apparent pride in spending half an hour
smashing bolsters and generally trashing that
part of the inn.
Now listen to me carefully: Scare off all horses
and ponies in Bree, then watch for hobbits to
flee on foot. Should be a no-brainer, even for
you. Any word on rest of the Nine?
Horses scattered like you said, Boss, except for
Ferny's pony, which is nearly dead anyway. Off
to find rest of the Nine. Wish us luck.
I said watch the road, you twits, not search for
the other Nazgul!
Right you are, Boss. We five are plenty for the
job. I guess we'll get the others' bonuses, ha
ha. Anyway, turns out the hobbits have joined
forces with a Ranger, named Strider. Job
suddenly got harder. They also bought Ferny's
pony; Bill got hit with apple from one of the
hobbits, but lived. He said they went
cross-country, which means we'll just have to
hope they rejoin the road up ahead. Thoughts?
Thoughts? Yes, try following them. On second
thought, we wouldn't want you to get lost in the
wild, would we? I mean, what is the deal with
you guys? Instead, proceed to Weathertop ...
yes, it's on the map and wait for them. Don't
screw up this time!
Went to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. You
didn't say a wizard lives there! It was Gandalf,
the one you loathe. You would be so proud of us.
All five of us ragged on him until he started
flashing fire from his magic wand, or whatever
that thing is. Boss, you're going to love this:
We all rushed him and he ran like a frightened
rabbit. Am now in pursuit! Wish us luck.
No, you idiots! It's a diversion. Get back to
Weathertop and wait for hobbits.
Returned to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. But
hobbits and Ranger already there. Attack planned
for midnight, even though still missing four
homeys. Go us!
Yeah, go you. This is a results-oriented
project, boys. Just bring It back. That's all
I'm asking. No hostages, nothing. Let them all
live for all I care. Good luck. There, I said
We're really on track with the project, Boss!
Raided Weathertop camp. We had 'em. Check this
out: No.2 stabbed the one carrying the Ring!
Unfortunately, the hobbit had Swiss army knife
and stabbed No.2 in left big toe. Didn't you say
they were unarmed? We have to communicate more.
Then Ranger started setting us on fire. Most of
us able to roll on ground and save most of
multi-layered robes, but I'm afraid No.6 and No.
8 are completely naked. Believe hobbits and
Ranger escaped. No.9 says he lost his ring at
Weathertop. Now I know what you're thinking, but
you would be wrong. We're ALL going back to find
his ring. Thanks for wishing us luck, because it
sure worked! (Group hug).
Oh venerated mother of Morgoth! Why? What have I
done to deserve this? Tell me, please.
OK, the Ringbearer Thief has been stabbed.
That's good. Think positive thoughts.
Now, Witch-king, I want you to forget about
No.9's ring. Go after the Hobbits, NOW. They're
bound for Rivendell for sure.
Oops, already went to Weathertop (had problems
getting email today, think you should check the
modem bank, or server, or something). Good news.
The rest of the Nine showed up. Turns out No.5
had his ring in one of the folds of his cloak
all this time. I guess he's getting a bad
review, right? Also found No.9's ring, even
though you don't seem to care about it. Didn't
tell No.9 you have adopted that position. Hope
you care about my ring, still. :-)
Now going after hobbits with full speed.
Ringbearer Thief (is this his REAL name?) should
be catatonic by now from No.2's successful
attack. No.2 wants to know if he gets extra
bonus, and isn't sure he signed up for Mordor's
HMO on re-enrollment week. His big toe is really
looking bad. Thoughts?
No.1, oh dear Witch-king. Apparently I have
failed as a manager to sufficiently convey the
importance of the OneRing project. To wit: Your
sole purpose is to find the One Ring. Then lay
your hands upon it. Do not put it on! Keep it
safe on your journey back to Mordor. Then give
it to me. That's it. All the personnel concerns
you have mentioned will be taken care of, as
long as you bring It back. Got that? Comprendez?
Dost thou fathom?
You're right as always, Boss. The One Ring. Got
ya loud and clear.
Uh, OK, sorry it's been a week since last email.
We like nearly had him at the Ford, Rivendale. I
mean, we were really, really close. Even though
we had to mess with an elvish warrior and chase
after an incredibly fast horse carrying
Ringbearer, we were on it. Dude, there was this
flood you wouldn't imagine, with scary horse
things, and our own horses just freaked, so
you'll have to blame the horses, which drowned.
Since none of us can swim, and the flood was so
terrible, all of us are now buck naked, although
I still have my crown. No one lost their ring,
which is a plus, right?
(Sigh). This is not happening. Feared Nazgul in
a pig's eye!
You have new orders: Get your butts back to the
office. No, wait, you'll just get lost on the
way. I'm sending my nine foul beasts of the air
to fetch you.
Flying first class, Boss! This is way better
than riding horses. Thanks for the gesture.
We'll be able to get that Ring on Air Mordor, if
you would just give us another chance. Please?
After lengthy consideration, have decided
against my better judgement to send the Nine out
again to find the Ring. Yes, you will be flying
Air Mordor this time. Make sure the beasts eat
some grass for roughage, damnit.
Back in first class, Boss. Thanks for the
Hobbits reported in Moria. Company now numbering
nine. How quaint. Balrog will get them. Then
orcs will bring out Ring. Watch the eastern
Moria not on map, much less east exit. Asked
elves in Lothlorien for directions, but no help
there. Took a vote and will watch Anduin River
near Rauros. Wish us luck!
You're going to need it.
Good news, Boss! Found the crew (there's eight,
not nine like you said). Unfortunately, No.3's
beast was shot down by an elf, so expect him to
show up all bedraggled at Black Gate. He lost
his key, so you'll have to let him in. No.2
hasn't been feeding his beast any grass, and its
poop is just horrible! Also, looks like your
orcs joined up with Saruman's brood. They
captured two of the hobbits after killing man of
Gondor. Go orcs. Seems they are heading toward
Isengard, not Mordor. Suggest you contact them
and send reliable map! Lost sight of remaining
hobbits. But rest of company chasing after said
orcs, which means that's where the Ring must be.
Isengard?! No. Nooo!!! All of you return to
headquarters immediately! Witch-king, you head
toward Isengard and intercept orcs.
Boss, went to Isengard like you said, but had to
make sure beast got enough grass, so unable to
overtake orcs. Someone really trashed Isengard.
Don't think Saruman got the Ring, because
otherwise he would have kept his place from
getting hosed, right? Anyway, it looks like
Rohan won their battle with Saruman the White,
who is actually sporting more a tie-dye look
Mercy! I'll have to wage war to get this Ring
back. You, Witch-king, go out and attack anyone
who looks like they might be wielding One Ring.
I'm thinking King of Rohan, since last time I
checked he was Saruman's cabana boy.
Oh, hi Boss. It's No.2. Bit of bad news. A girl
beheaded Witch-king’s beast. Good news is King
of Rohan's horse killed him. Unlikely he had
Ring, like you said. But real bad news is
Witch-king was stabbed in knee by a hobbit, and
then killed by the girl. I thought we couldn't
die, because of the rings you gave us. Is there
something I should know? Oh yeah, you lost the
battle of Pelennor (probably just to fake 'em
out, I'll bet). Anyway, I guess this makes me
(Sigh). Sure, you can be No.1, if it makes you
happy. Would you all just circle the skies
around Mordor, like at a really high altitude so
you can't be shot down? That would be just
peachy. You Eight can do that, can't you?
Did what you said, Boss, flying high. Seems like
7,000 of the enemy are marching toward the home
office. Better back up the database, right?
Finally some good news. The captains of the West
are pushing their luck. One of them probably has
the Ring, but hasn't mastered it. Circle above
the Black Gate.
Great news, Boss! Battle going great. They are
completely surrounded. You're a genius.
Fools! The One Ring!! It's at Mount Doom! Fly,
fly I tell thee! Fly to Mount Doom and grab the
Ring before it's too late!
Mount Doom? That's a volcano. Isn't it pretty
Go to Mount Doom immediately! The Ring, get the
Ring! Do it!
OK, Boss, will do. Is the Ring INSIDE the
volcano, or just near it? Well, I suppose we'll
find out when we get there. Wish us luck!
Boss, are you there? The volcano is erupting
something fierce. No can find Ring. Can't even
sense its presence. Are you sure it's at Mount
Hey Boss, did you know that Mordor is crumbling?