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Bored of the Rings - Front Matter

"Do you like what you doth see...?" said the voluptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito's throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale.

 

Bored of the Rings - Foreword and Prologue

"As for any inner meanings or 'message,' " as Professor T. said in his foreword, there is none herein except that which you may read into it yourself. (Hint: What did P. T. Barnum say was "born every minute"?) Through this book, we hope, the reader may find deeper insights not only into the nature of literary piracy, but into his own character as well. (Hint: What is missing from this famous quotation? "A ---- and his ----- soon are ------." You have three minutes. Ready, set, go!)"

Bored of the Rings - Chapters I-V

"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,

Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.

Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,

This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.

The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.

The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.

If broken or busted, it cannot be remade

If found, send to Sorhed (the postage is prepaid)."

 

 

Bored of the Rings - Chapters VI-VIII

"Ve ist der merry, gay Roi-Tanners,

Who like der boots, salutes und banners.

Ve ride der scheeps in vind and vheather

Mit vhips und spurs und drawers of leather.

 

Ve dance und sing und valse und two-step

Und never ever mach der goose-step.

Peace iss vhat ye vant und do have,

Und a piece of anything you have."

 

Bored of the Rings - Chapters IX-X

Finally Arrowroot decided 'to put a stop to the malingering by shaming his hesitant warriors. Commanding the remaining herald to sound the horn he said:

"Peoples of the West! The battle before the Black Gate of Sorhed will be one of few against many; but the few are of pure heart and the many are of the filthy. Nevertheless, those of you who wish to cringe and run from the fight may do so to quicken our pace. Those who still ride with the King of Twodor will live forever in song and legend! The rest may go."

It is said that the dustcloud did not settle for many days after.