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Science Fiction Association of Bergen County

From the Archives: Excerpts from past issues of the

Starship Express

Volume 2, Numbers 6 & 7, 1988

The Square Dance Conspiracy

By Mark Leeper



[Editor's Note: The followimg material originally appeared in various issues of the newsletter of the MT Holz Science Fiction Society: The MT Void Copyright © 1987 Mark R Leeper. It was reprinted with permission in Volume 2, Numbers 6 & 7 of The Starship Express Copyright © 1988 Philip J De Parto. The author has kindly granted permission for it to appear here as well.]

Part I

At various times in history the ruling classes in various countries have been suffused by members of secret organizations. In the 1700s the Hell Fire Club had a surprising amount of power in England. It was reputed that Benjamin Franklin as well as many members of the nobility and perhaps even the royal house were members. The Freemasons have been alleged to be such a group. The Illuminati, who may or may not exist, are another. However, I would never have thought that a modern organization like New Jersey AT&T would have been infiltrated and suffused by such a semi-secret organization. I have had hints of it for years. Some of my best friends from time to time have been involved.I think the time has come for an expose'.

I do not know how far the conspiracy has gone but realized that wherever you go in New Jersey AT&T you are never more than a few feet away from a square dancer. Now I realize that there are parts of the country, say Arizona, where there would be nothing unusual about finding a square dancer or two hanging around. But this isn't Arizona. And I am not talking about just one or two. I tell you AT&T is veritably infested with them.

And they don't wear fringed suede jackets, voluminous calico skirts, garish leather boots, little metal stars, or cowboy hats to work, so they pass for being normal. Don't be alarmed, but your officemate may actually be one. (In fact up until about a month ago, my officemate was an admitted square dancer. She is no longer my officemate, I can tell you.)

I don't want to make you paranoid, but they suffuse AT&T like gristle through a piece of meat. If this square dance underground is allowed to go unchecked, who knows how far it will go? This could be the vanguard of an International Square Dance Conspiracy!

Be on the lookout for telltale signs in your co-workers: an affected Western accent, cowboy-ish clothing (especially with fringe or leather boots that look like fugitives from the Wild Bill Hickock TV show), decal or tatoo of two sinister interlocked squares or profiles of square dnacers. If you see any of these signs, keep track of who the apparent square dnacers for future reference but (and this is important) do not attempt to approach them with your suspicions. That will only tip them off to who you are and that they are being watched. It may also ruin an official investigation and drive the square dancers under cover.

Part II

Last week I reported on the growing conspiracy of a square dancing underground. I have been asked by friends who are square dancers and who claimed to be ignorant of what was going on that I should point out that (perhaps) not all square dancers are in on the conspiracy.

Actually I am informed by (not necessarily unimpeachable) sources that 90% of all square dancers are innocent and probably 60% don't even know that the conspiracy exists. That is perhaps the most tragic part about the square dancing conspiracy. A Squarie is the innocent victim of the conspiracy perhaps even more than a non-Squarie. I am sure most square dance with only the best of intentions, but will they be able to prove that to a congressional committee if the question ever comes up?

And you Squaries, have you thought about how the callers are conditioning you to follow orders? Ask yourself, why are you not even allowed to question the authority of the caller. That should tell you something. And you sould ask yourself who your caller is taking his/her orders from. How will you feel when your caller starts giving you:

Waltz that girl across the floor.

Hide some drugs in your desk drawer.

Meet in the center with a right hand star.

Toss a grenade in someone's car.

Promenade that pretty little thing.

Drill some holes in an airplane wing.

One Squarie told me of her square's personal rebellion against the caller. Just for fun they did everything the mirror image of what the caller wanted. This the Squarie thought of as a disobedience of a sort. It didn't even occur to her that the mirror image of a man throwing a Molotov Cocktail is still a man throwing a Molotov Cocktail. Scary, huh?

Oh, incidentally, I will say that I have been invited to a square dancing class to see "how innocent" it all is. This is a warning to all readers, if the same offer is made to you DON'T GO! Yes, you will be convinced square dancing is innocent with just one class. Ask an ex-Squarie--one who has been deprogrammed--about that first class, how it never ends, how you are fed on a diet like Coke and cookies and no protein at all and kept dancing until you are too weak to argue back. Why do you think there are so many Squaries around these days?

Part III

I have been doing a series recently on the rising tide of square dancing in this area and, I am told (and this should scare you), at places like MIT. The vast majority of square dancers take their orders (which the term "calls") from a caller.

The caller is sort of a local lieutenant in the conspiracy, but there appears to be no single leader of this conspiracy, no Reverend Moon of the Square Dancers. The callers go off to secret classes where they "learn to call." These have not been infiltrated by outsiders as far as I can tell, but there are hints about who might be pulling the strings in square dancing itself.

Think about what you have seen about square dancing.

It is a very mathematical, very symmetrical form of dance. But who really sees the symmetry. The caller stands above the floor and can see the symmetry, even there only from an angle. The perfect place to appreciate square dancing is directly overhead. So what does that imply?

Lots of forms of dance can only be fully appreciated from directly overhead. But the June Taylor dancers who used to appear on the Jackie Gleason show and who specialize in this sort of geometric display, came along only after there were overhead cameras to show the effects to an audience. When square dancing was invented, there were no such overhead cameras, at least none that the history books record. These were designs that could be appreciated only from the air directly overhead at a time when that was an impossible position for a human to get to . . . just like the mysterious figures on the plains of Nazca.

Clearly there is a possibility that square dancing was invented for the benefit of (and perhaps by) visitors from another world. It may have started when these alien visitor "came to call." They now have a serious footfold in technical institutions like MIT and AT&T. Beware.

Part IV

I'm sorry. There isn't much time to write this week. The last several weeks have been very trying. My campaign to make people aware of the square dancing menace has taken up most dangerous properties. This ever-present menace of people getting involved in the dirty business that is square dancing has taken up much of my time.

Since I reported to you that I was onto the square dancing games I have made myself known to them. Since then when I come home from work, I find the grass matted down and Coke bottles left lying around as if hundreds of square dancers had been do-si-doing over my zinnias. Phone calls in the middle of the night suggest I allemande left into a lake. A well-known TV personality heard of my campaign and approached me because he thought the square-dancing menace was "un-Christian." Now he and his wife Tammy have been put into a position where they can no longer help. A Democratic candidate promised to make exposing the square dancers part of his platform. Now he is out of the running. Who will be next? I don't know how long I can keep writi






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