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(Editor's Note: This article originally appeared in: The Starship Express Volume 1, Number 2 Copyright © 1987 Philip De Parto. It is reprinted with the permission of the author and the editor.)
Although it is a problem that we seldom find here in our New Jersey Wasteland*, it's a problem that all SF fans need to be aware of, simply for the sake of social etiquette and manners. How embarrassing for one unschooled in the nuances of identification to mistake a person of some stature in our beloved Science Fiction Field for a 3-foot high, blue, furry blue creature with big ears.
That's not to say that a full grown adult SMOF can't be 3-foot high, blue, and furry with big ears -- but a combination of all 4 is rather unlikely. Suffice to say that there ARE subtle differences that all of us need to be aware of.
First of all, we need to discover precisely what a SMOF is. A SMOF is an acronym for Secret Master Of Fandom. You've probably never heard of SMOFs before, and there's a good reason for that; they're supposed to be secret.
Yet, despite that mystique of secrecy, a typical SMOF wants everyone to know that he or she is a SMOF. (There is no such thing as a SMOFETTE, but rumor has it that a red-headed, bearded scientist at Bell Labs is actually working on one… or would LIKE to work on one, I'm not sure.)
Let's take a moment to look at some things that SMURFs and SMOFs have in common: Both are hard workers. Both are huggable, especially if they have just showered. Both are always honest (painfully so) and sometimes you want to run over both with a steam roller. SMOFs and SMURFs alike drink lots of beer.
Yet, while certain parts of a SMOF's anatomy may occasionally be blue, it is rather unlikely for them to be as blue as a SMURF. SMURFs are ALWAYS friendly and love everyone all the tome. SMOFs do not really like anyone -- especially NOT for very long.
SMOFs come in all shapes and sizes, SMURFs do not. Typically, you will find a SMOF wearing a T-shirt with a message such as 'Beam me up, Scotty" or "Give'm hell, Frodo". The macho SMURF does not wear shirts.
Although it is highly unlikely, any fan can become a SMOF, but you cannot become a SMURF. SMURFDOM is closed. Like computer science and engineering, you have to be born into it.
Since we have established that you cannot become a SMURF, why would you want to become a SMOF? I took some time off my busy schedule to attend Constellation 5 in Huntsville, Alabama (a town lousy with SMOFs) to find out what would motivate a run of the mill, simple, unassuming, jovial, convention-loving, good-time ne'er do well SF fan to take on the thankless job of running a convention after months of hard work and planning, for the dubious pleasure of sneering at fellow SMOFs, acting superior, and generally having a terrific time being tired, miserable, crabby, and wallowing in self-pity. Overwhelmingly, the answer was "To meet women!"
And that, my dear friends, is the difference in a nutshell. Everyone knows SMURFs do not need to go through all that trouble, time, and expense to meet women. They have a SMURFETTE. And so will the SMOFs, if that scientist's experiment proves a success.
People who run local conventions are not usually SMOFs. See the word SCAPEGOAT.
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